Sorry, Thank you and everything in between

     

  

     I have heard humor is an essential part of the ‘C’ treatment to be able to laugh at all the uncertainties that follow. And I can definitely vouch for the fact that it is true. No wonder the term ‘chemo brain’ really means something as we experience roller coaster of feelings all at once. At one moment you can see me complaining that no one talks to me only to instantly avoid the next call that I receive. All my friends and relatives can relate to this craziness as all of a sudden I turn from a philosopher to a child to a teacher to a simpleton and finally to the crazy human that I always was.

  

     I do not want to encourage or promote the craziness of this so-called ‘chemo’ brain, yet I believe it turns out to be beyond my reach. If I could convince it to focus on the problem alone rather than spread its influence all around, I would definitely be a ‘super-hero’. So, with this thought in mind, I realized what better way to convey my gratitude and apologizes to each one of you than write a long blog post. Hence, the title…. “I am sorry”, “I am thankful” and “I am….” Well, read on to find more….

    This kind of experience suddenly puts one into a hot-spot as there is undivided attention from all quarters. I am guilty of using it as a shield on more occasions than one as I end up blaming it for everything that goes wrong. The pressure to be cordial and society friendly has diminished to invisible proportions as I take this situation as the bait. While I rejoice under the banner that I cannot be blamed for anything, my parents and husband ensure that I come back to the original form. The insistence to be normal is so strong that my father has challenged me to be absolutely sane even during the treatment days. Well, the challenge is accepted but the outcome is yet to be determined.

     The need to apologize stems from the fact that my family (both near and long distance), friends and well-wishers must be thoroughly confused with my approach. Suddenly, I talk so much as if nothing has changed and suddenly I stay quiet for hours on end. But even this silence has a silver lining. How else would my husband and parents master themselves in the game of dumb-charades, while I explain them the contents on the grocery list or just talk about what we did last weekend?

   There is no doubt in the fact that I am an introvert and being an amateur writer I can easily relate to it. But who knew my monster friend would take me to a higher level on the introvert scale (if there was such a thing to measure it!) The reason for such kind of analysis is to explain the silence of my chemo brain. Besides turning me into an introvert, this chemo brain has definitely increased my affection towards the written word. 

  

   My close friends will completely agree to my inclination towards written chats over voice calls. From congratulating my best friend for finding his life partner to discussing troubles about weather, from asking about latest movies to seeking much needed motivation to stay positive, everything happens over the letters on the keypad. Big thanks to my little nephew for his stock of indecipherable childish speeches and poems on video chats and his parents to bear his loud noise, while we do so late at night!

      For these reasons, it was essential to reach out to my people and thank them for everything. I am sure even my doctor will be convinced about my funny behavior when I am more interested in this travel stories than about my health updates. And when I have a partner-in-crime to join me for the adventure, there is no reason to stay quiet. My husband turned philosopher provides balance to this craziness with a desire to keep his wife sane!

     With this, I hope my apology and gratitude are in order to appreciate each one of you in this journey. There is nothing pleasant about this route but there is nothing to cry about. Thank you for being there and sorry for acting unusual though it may seem absolutely normal! I cannot comment on the future path but I can definitely talk about where I stand today, hence do not forget to bear with me as I walk over this path full of surprises.

Thank you for your prayers and positivity….

Thank you for accepting my flaws as part of the chemo parcel…

Thank you for switching the mood from serious talks to funny conversations just the way I need it….

Thank you for your love and smiles…