Sorry, Thank you and everything in between

     

  

     I have heard humor is an essential part of the ‘C’ treatment to be able to laugh at all the uncertainties that follow. And I can definitely vouch for the fact that it is true. No wonder the term ‘chemo brain’ really means something as we experience roller coaster of feelings all at once. At one moment you can see me complaining that no one talks to me only to instantly avoid the next call that I receive. All my friends and relatives can relate to this craziness as all of a sudden I turn from a philosopher to a child to a teacher to a simpleton and finally to the crazy human that I always was.

  

     I do not want to encourage or promote the craziness of this so-called ‘chemo’ brain, yet I believe it turns out to be beyond my reach. If I could convince it to focus on the problem alone rather than spread its influence all around, I would definitely be a ‘super-hero’. So, with this thought in mind, I realized what better way to convey my gratitude and apologizes to each one of you than write a long blog post. Hence, the title…. “I am sorry”, “I am thankful” and “I am….” Well, read on to find more….

    This kind of experience suddenly puts one into a hot-spot as there is undivided attention from all quarters. I am guilty of using it as a shield on more occasions than one as I end up blaming it for everything that goes wrong. The pressure to be cordial and society friendly has diminished to invisible proportions as I take this situation as the bait. While I rejoice under the banner that I cannot be blamed for anything, my parents and husband ensure that I come back to the original form. The insistence to be normal is so strong that my father has challenged me to be absolutely sane even during the treatment days. Well, the challenge is accepted but the outcome is yet to be determined.

     The need to apologize stems from the fact that my family (both near and long distance), friends and well-wishers must be thoroughly confused with my approach. Suddenly, I talk so much as if nothing has changed and suddenly I stay quiet for hours on end. But even this silence has a silver lining. How else would my husband and parents master themselves in the game of dumb-charades, while I explain them the contents on the grocery list or just talk about what we did last weekend?

   There is no doubt in the fact that I am an introvert and being an amateur writer I can easily relate to it. But who knew my monster friend would take me to a higher level on the introvert scale (if there was such a thing to measure it!) The reason for such kind of analysis is to explain the silence of my chemo brain. Besides turning me into an introvert, this chemo brain has definitely increased my affection towards the written word. 

  

   My close friends will completely agree to my inclination towards written chats over voice calls. From congratulating my best friend for finding his life partner to discussing troubles about weather, from asking about latest movies to seeking much needed motivation to stay positive, everything happens over the letters on the keypad. Big thanks to my little nephew for his stock of indecipherable childish speeches and poems on video chats and his parents to bear his loud noise, while we do so late at night!

      For these reasons, it was essential to reach out to my people and thank them for everything. I am sure even my doctor will be convinced about my funny behavior when I am more interested in this travel stories than about my health updates. And when I have a partner-in-crime to join me for the adventure, there is no reason to stay quiet. My husband turned philosopher provides balance to this craziness with a desire to keep his wife sane!

     With this, I hope my apology and gratitude are in order to appreciate each one of you in this journey. There is nothing pleasant about this route but there is nothing to cry about. Thank you for being there and sorry for acting unusual though it may seem absolutely normal! I cannot comment on the future path but I can definitely talk about where I stand today, hence do not forget to bear with me as I walk over this path full of surprises.

Thank you for your prayers and positivity….

Thank you for accepting my flaws as part of the chemo parcel…

Thank you for switching the mood from serious talks to funny conversations just the way I need it….

Thank you for your love and smiles…

Is this my ‘wake-up' call?

   

      I cannot claim to be a superwoman and state that the diagnosis did not shake me or I cannot declare that everything was sailing smoothly in a magical way. I had my share of “Why me?” questions or “God is annoyed with me” statements while struggling to make peace with the news. But, I always believe that looking back at the journey does not change the experience in any way so this blog post is not about moving behind but focusing ahead. Rather, it is about focusing on the present moment because that is all I can claim to be mine.

     So with this, as I started a new journey under a different light, I was sure to make the most of it in a positive way. Dark moments are just as natural as light moments. I cannot eliminate them completely from my path, but I can certainly control my actions and reactions over them.

    This brings us to the title. We often take life for granted because it is bestowed upon us as a free gift. Slowly and steadily, as we struggle over its path with a hope to find our destination, we experience the true meaning of life. With this experience I have realized that life is meant to be enjoyed and experienced, one moment at a time.

      We plan too much into the future without having the slightest idea of what lies ahead or we live in the past wondering about what went wrong or cursing our fate in every possible way. I am not sure if I can include you all in the above accusation, but I am definitely guilty to the core. Jumping into the future or sticking to the past was my way of dealing with the current situation in the present, spreading unnecessary fears and worries along my way.

      It is only after life gives you a major reason when you choose to think, contemplate, analyze and draw sense out of something that was never thought about. Hence, instead of looking at it as a diseased condition or life-threatening situation, I choose to look at it as my very own personalized ‘wake-up’ alarm. A wake-up call that has woken my up to live life the way it is meant to be. I am certainly sure it has forced me to value every single moment of my life journey.  It does not mean that I have mastered the art of living, but it definitely means there is positive transformation one way or the other.

The ‘C’ card:

      Few months into the treatment pushed me towards playing the ‘C’ card as my perfect sympathetic move. From demanding outside food whenever and wherever to being lazy at home about any task, from justifying my mismanagement to being selfish about everything, I was comfortably satisfied in the ‘C’ zone. Just when I felt it was absolutely ‘right’ to do so, my four primary care-givers pulled me out at the right time – two who gave me birth, one who ‘acts’ as if she gave me birth and one who has promised to celebrate that birth year after year.

  The ‘amazing’ parents: I do not know how they do it but according to them, every situation is manageable. They refused to look at me with pity or let me cry in vain. In my father’s words “Agreed you have 6 bad days in a month, but what about the remaining 24 normal ones?” or in my mother’s words “Who said you are any different now?” Such words soak away any traces of sympathy and leave me astonished at their positivity and strength.

The ‘dashing’ sister: A girl who started ‘mothering’ me (if that is a word!) when she was only ‘3’, her words “You are strong, you have become more strong” makes me wonder where did she find this strength in me?

The ‘know-it-all’ husband: Two statements from my husband have proved that my condition has truly made him a ‘philosopher’! For me it was a wake-up call, but for him it was nothing less than a ‘career changing’ opportunity as I joke around about his capability to be a ‘doctor’ or a ‘philosopher’, just in case he is bored of being an ‘engineer’.

At numerous occasions when he wipes my tears rather agitated and irritated, his quote “If you do not fight for what you want, do not cry for what you lose” or “Consider your health condition as a ‘bowl’, whether you beg around with it or whether you choose to add some ingredients into it and feed yourself, the choice is yours.”

   Besides this, my numerous relatives and friends have prompted me to look at the positive side. Each one of them have refused to treat me any different, making me believe that nothing has changed. I am sorry I will not be able to write about each one of you individually or else the exceptional long length of my post will drive you away.

So, thank you dear ‘wake-up’ call, I am finally awake now. 

  

    

The ‘therapy’ express

   

    After I promised to follow up the lymphoma post with some of my experiences, I felt it was the right time to do so. But a short cautionary warning before I start. This post is not to make you cry, emotional, sensitive or alienated. Besides, since I have decided to look at the brighter side of everything, rest assured there are no sad or gloomy details- only happy, funny, silly and fun-filled encounters. After all, this entire episode is nothing less than a soap opera of experiences.

     There are mix of happy and sad days, where you can see the actress and villain in me. If you don’t believe- simply ask my husband and parents at home or sister, in-laws and friends from a long distance who know exactly what to expect. One look at the calendar and my engineer turned half-doctor husband can tell you precisely what’s going on! While I would love to defeat him at this guessing game, unfortunately he emerges victorious, every single time.

    Firstly, never in my life have I heard the words ‘strong’ and ‘will-power’ so many times before, as today my collection is filled with these expressions. Secondly, to break the invisible ice between us, I would love to communicate with each one of you, just the way I did before. Nothing has changed that could lead to awkwardness or confusion between us. I am still the same and so is my condition to communicate. As I have decided to live in the present, the uncertainty of my health cannot change the picture at all. Speak to me the way you were doing before. No amount of ‘C’ or ‘L’ can take this silly self-proclaimed ‘writer’ from you ;)

   Thirdly, I would also like to apologize if I am not the same cheerful self every single day. As much as I would enjoy communication from your end, I understand I should also be vocal at the same time. But, sometimes silence pushes me into a silence zone that is incorrect in every way. So, grab the opportunity to poke me and do not hesitate to start the ringer mode on my phone!

   Unknowingly, I end up crossing the thin line between sympathy and reality. Instead of working hard or walking towards my goals, I sometimes cover myself under the shield of sympathy which is totally incorrect. Thanks to my chemo brain, I have enrolled myself into an imaginary ‘C’ club that searches for reasons to be pitied and claims that no one gets me. If it wasn’t for shouting and kicks from my parents, I would enjoy this sympathy for a long time and avoid being ‘normal’.

   Since you all are in this journey with me, I would love to share that my doctor appreciated my form of expression using ‘words’. After reading my first post, he encouraged me to channel my energy in this way, as it would benefit him with a happy patient too. So, you all will have to bear with my posts!

    While summing up, I would like to share the happy and funny experiences of my journey so far.

1.       I am sure our internet service provider is the happiest right now, as I have been streaming movies, television series, Netflix and You-tube in a loop. Having said that, I will love to have some suggestions from your end too because I was literally tempted to watch ‘Prem Ratan Dhan Payo’ at one point of time! I hope now you realize the seriousness to help me with some valuable suggestions.

2.       I am happy to make use of every present moment with a happy heart. I did not know sitting on lawn, going for long drives or taking a shower were such happy affairs before. I never appreciated the sight of trees, sunset, sunrise or long empty roads the way I do it today.

3.       Sorry dear husband, but I must confess my extra marital love affair with food! On my happy days, all I can do is dream, think, talk, read, make or eat. Relishing and savoring every bite is so fun-filled. I am sure my closed ones will be raising their eyebrows with shock as I was never a foodie before.

4.       While I always loved comedy movies, serials and books, this phase has brought me closer to it. Comedy can fill my cells with laughter, offering one less trouble to worry about.

5.       Husband turned doctor- this is another interesting development in my life as my better half is busy with internet gained facts to make me healthy and hearty with valuable knowledge from all over the world. I am sure his parents will be glad to know that their fees of an engineer made him a doctor too! Besides, it provides entertainment to my real doctor as he patiently listens to his ideas of alternative therapy.

These are some experiences that are funny, mindless and silly to make this rocky journey a bit smooth. There are many more to add in the future as I savor every moment with a happy heart. Till then, do not forget to live in the present, smile a little more, laugh at your troubles and enjoy whatever you have today. If nothing else, at least this trouble can make me a preacher J

   P.S: For a self-confessed introvert, written words are the only way to thank you all.

  Big hug, love and kisses to:

1.       Parents: For being there to wipe my tears and treating me as normal as possible.

2.       Sister, nephew, and brother-in-law: For being strong support though miles away from me. But bro-in-law chef: where is my delicious food? And dear nephew: you better practice the word ‘moushi’ 20 times a day. Sister: I am not thanking you for anything ;)

3.       Husband: For each and everything from Day 1, I simply can’t write it!

4.       Relatives and friends: For all your support, well-wishes and prayers.

     

Do you have your remote control?

 "Yes, of course, how else will we change the channels on television?” I am sure this will be your first reflex response over such an unusual question. But, trust my blog posts to be different as I am hinting at something else. It is not your television remote that listens to your commands and flips channels as per your desire (only if you are lucky enough to be the TV in-charge at home!) This remote control in question handles your emotions, feelings, responses and experiences. It takes charge of how you feel and respond over opinions. It determines your response to criticism.

  Human nature is known for its inclination towards opinions. Each one of us have some say over everything that goes around us. There is no harm in expressing our thoughts over things, but it is harmful to react in an inappropriate way. Just because your well-wishers refuse to appreciate your talent or your social circle criticizes your work with difficult words, it does not mean you drown in it forever and refuse to take control. The remote control to react to their opinions lies in our hands. Instead of drawing offense and mistrusting ourselves over bad fate, it is essential to act over it. You may disagree with their opinions, but there is no need to hold it close to yourself, while spoiling your next attempt.

   How people feel about you is not under your control. Whether they praise you with false words to misguide or taunt with hurtful words to demotivate, none of it will matter if you know how to react. It is their opinion that has nothing to do with you. It does not mean I am talking about building a wall around your ears. It is always essential to listen to people and their advice. But, how you choose to inculcate it in your life is totally your call. 

     Often, we are soaked in sorrow when people lace their words with anger, negativity, judgments or misunderstandings. At such times, it is important to realize that we are the receiver of their words. How we deal with their judgments is completely our decision as far as we know its impact. If we can analyze their motive, it is possible to transform their opinions into valuable pieces for our own good. Instead of crying over their mistreatment, we can use their judgement as improvement pointers for our benefit.

  Just as we use a remote control to mute, change, switch off or switch on as per our desire, we can tune our responses in the same way. We should be able to chalk our inner circle of influence. Switch on when our closed ones offer their valuable advice and switch off when people trouble us with their unhealthy motives. Not every piece of information directed towards us is going to benefit. Hence, we should know when to use them for our good.

  We often invest more energy in defending our choices, justifying our beliefs or proving our worth. But we fail to realize that as long as we do things for our own happiness, there is no need to please every life form on earth. No matter how good you work or what great acts you do, someone somewhere will always have a better way of doing it. This does not turn you into a failure or the other option into success, it simply means each one is entitled to their own opinion. Being in a defense mode unknowingly turns into a habit that refuses to leave our side. It diverts our efforts from productive work. If all your life you will defend, judge, analyze and respond to criticism, when are you going to act?

    This post was inspired by two sources. One is by the way people reacted over Snapchat CEO’s opinion based on nothing but his own two cents about our country. The credit of the second source goes to my husband for showing me an inspirational video over the said topic. It closely relates to me in various ways as I was always influenced by opinions. Without weighing their significance in my life, I would jump at the first opportunity to defend and prove my choices, only to realize that things may not be designed as per my way. But, the remote control to our reactions is definitely sitting on our couch, waiting to be surfed over and over again.

So, next time you are irritated, angry, hurt or disappointed, recognize the source of your negativity and change the channel immediately.

This remote works over several channels such as:

-          criticism

-          incorrect judgments

-          misunderstandings

-          accusations

-          incorrect allegations

-          false judgments

-          revenges

-          hurtful taunts

Make sure you use this remote control well to bring positivity and happiness into your lives. Do not lose this important control after all it features the channels of your dear life!