Meet my heroes- Part 3

The ‘MODA’ effect

   While our home country India is under the ‘MODI’ effect for three years now, our home in US was under the ‘MODA’ effect for three months. What is this MODA effect, you ask? Well, it was the shower of positive energy originating from my very own ‘MOM’ and ‘DAD’. This brings us to the third part of the heroic series - featuring my ‘parents’ who were nothing less than ‘GOD’ in disguise. They say parents know anything and everything about you which makes it absolutely easy for them to manage you in any type of situation. 

    

   Normalcy to the highest level was the theme of their three month stay, where they refused to entertain any of my sympathetic tears or pitiful cries. All they knew was their girl will bounce back to life, come what may. So much so they even shouted at this poor girl (not complaining, just trying to cash on my ‘Make hay, while the sun shines’ theory, yet again)

     According to California local news, there has been drastic loss in the Milpitas Farmers’ Market Sales. Thanks to two missing buyers who have gone back to their home country. These two buyers were my very own Mom and Dad who bought the best of local produce every Sunday. This has made me believe that send my parents to any part of the world and they shall be able to shop well. 

   

    Healthy cuisine, variety of dishes and unique preparations formed the end product of this shopping spree that ensured a happy appetite. But again, they did not do it for the C monster, they did it because that is what parents do. They instill sense and discipline into you, no matter what your age is. Their shouts seem so natural and usual, making you realize that they are the only ones who can point your mistake with anger, yet love you selflessly like nothing happened.

   Through my blog I would love to challenge all the researchers in the world. Get us the answers to two questions –“What are parents made of?” and “How can someone shout at you with love?” Satisfactory answers to these questions will truly lead the researchers to Noble prize as these are some tough things to crack. Coming back to the ‘MODA’ effect, when God was distributing packets of ‘sympathy’ and ‘pity', I am sure my dear parents were busy buying oranges and cilantro at the Farmers’ market, because they lack these two aspects in every form. 

  

    They ran the jurisdiction of this house in a normal manner, refusing to entertain any of my complaints. Whenever ‘C’ decided to play a little havoc, forcing me to complain or whine, they ignored it with a cool approach. This ignorance was not to discourage me, but to discourage ‘C’ and drive it away.

    The other happy members due to their visit are our refrigerator and cooking range. They are excited to make new friends such as broccoli, spinach, papaya, watermelon as these are now part of our little family (sorry bottle gourd- but you will not get an entry anymore). From broccoli stir fry to spinach varieties, ‘puran poli’ to ‘jowar bhakri’ my mom’s magic made wonders in the kitchen. It was not just my Mom who ruled the kitchen, my dear Dad deserves some credit too. His pasta, noodles and popcorn kept him in the competition.

   MODA effect left behind loads of happy memories, making us realize that we can always find light even amidst dark clouds. From playing cards where surprisingly my Dad won each time to savoring picnic lunches in parks, from driving all around town because their son-in-law needed coffee to watching serials and music programs on television, from agreeing to my demands of spicy food for bad taste buds to accompanying in adventurous long-drives, they participated in every aspect with enthusiasm and energy.

       Though I am appreciating them so much, I have one small little complaint. Thanks to them I have forgotten how to shop for groceries. Even our local Indian stores nearby were so used to these frequent buyers that they have refused to entertain me without them!

    Their short visit has granted us lot of ideas for a disciplined routine. Organizing our house frequently with convenience and making useful changes for our betterment are some of the lessons that shall stay with us for a lifetime. Though I am able to thank them for their normalcy today, I must admit that it was difficult back then. I did go through my sessions of fights and complaints with them, though they were so right on every front. When they spoke about disorganization or indiscipline, it was absolutely easy to find reasons. But maturity is when you realize that life is what you choose it to be. Their stay, attitude and approach has taught me one useful aspect- We can either choose to soak ourselves in self-pity and use situations as a shield or we can choose to find a way out and radiate happiness.

   Coming to the conclusion of my post. I was totally confused, shocked and amazed whether to take it as a compliment and show my teeth or consider it as a sarcastic comment when my Mom said “You are a fighter-cock since birth, I am sure you will fight this trouble too!”  Only your Mom can say this to you and yet get the first ‘Good morning’ message from you with a smile.

P.S: Dear Parents – Thank you for the MODA effect.
Sorry for any negative effect and apologies for not seeing you off at the airport- it was not easy and it will never be!
Also, that grocery complaint was serious, hope you find a solution soon.

Dear Nephew- Better send me some good gift, I have returned back your grandparents to you. 

Meet my heroes – Part 2

The coolest trio

   After my hubby-the great, it is time for the next hero as promised. The only difference is this post will not feature one single hero, but a group of three. I believe these three are not just my heroes. Owing to their good looks and smart features, they can appear as real actors and actress on screen someday. Before I continue this introduction and increase the suspense, let me get straight to the point. I am talking about a beautiful elder sister Ms. P, extremely handsome brother-in-law Mr. S and dashing nephew Master. Y. This SPY team are the coolest set of individuals along my treatment, converting hot chemo to a cold mojo!

   I strongly suggest that they must change their middle name to ‘Cool’ as these three are the most flexible, easy-going, non-judgmental, carefree class of individuals. Though Mr. Y is just a toddler yet, his innocent and easy vibes make me extremely happy. With their short yet happening stay, the SPY team sowed seeds of my treatment. Love, care, smiles, laughter, kindness, happiness were all poured in great quantities, while these three hurried around with their short trip.

      As this cool trio initiated the course of my treatment, I was convinced of a cooler course ahead. After their trip, the shower of love and care continues with frequent video calls, though Master. Y has started showing some attitude lately. Thanks to today’s gadgets, Master. Y is confused about the screen he should look at. I am having a tough time, while competing with Tom and Jerry as one smart phone shows my face, while the other tablet shows these cartoons. No prize for guessing my little cartoon Master. Y chooses those cartoons over me! Unless I start acting like either Tom or Jerry, I definitely stand no chance.

     Back to the main purpose of this series. Why do I call them as heroes of my treatment? Normalcy and non-judgmental treatment are the two central reasons for it. Whatever happens, their normal behavior is still the same. Hair or no hair, Master Y does not alienate from his moushi (aunt). I always wonder how this little kiddo recognizes me perfectly on a small phone screen.

     Ms. P does not let anything bother her, while she is busy exercising her right to dominate. C or no C, she has chosen to discard sympathy and pity in trash; while she is interrogating her younger sister about food, work, diet, shopping, clothes, make-up, restaurants, movies, in short everything and anything under the sun. With her strong inclination towards cosmetics and desire to decorate my face, I will not be surprised if one day she asks me before the treatment, “Have you applied make-up?” 

     Her positive attitude, faith and easy-going approach are all I need to move ahead. I am sure the gift hamper for the ‘Best elder Sister’ in the world is a ‘mansion full of perfumes’, hence my Ms. P is going great lengths to bag it. She definitely deserves it for all the love, care, attention and concern sprinkled over me. I hope she gets those numerous perfumes someday to keep her completely occupied. At least it will mean less interrogative sessions for me.

    If Master Y is fan, Ms. P is cooler, then by that logic Mr. S is an air-conditioner- coolest of all. A happy-go-lucky man with a smile and solution for everything, Mr. S is a perfect brother-in-law. After all he is the only one I can team with against Ms. P. With a common target to talk, tease and complain, bonding between with Mr. S has helped my course of treatment.

    How could I afford to be sad and down during the treatment, when this SPY team gave me a ‘treasure-hunting’ exercise at Walmart. While I was running from one aisle to another for their list, even monster C must have given up! I am secretly hoping and eagerly waiting to see a fight between Mr. S and Master Y for the same little toy car as both father-son seem to love it to the core.

   Now, since these three attractive individuals have great scope to be featured on-screen, let me use the theme of ‘scenes’ to feature their ‘heroic’ acts. I knew I could not allow C to hold me down or trouble me much, when following scenes were happening in my life.

Lights, Camera, Action!

Scene 1, Take 1:

(Ms. A and Ms. P on video-chat)

Ms. P: “Go to Dennys. Eat pancake.”

Ms. A (On face): “Ok”

            (In mind): “But why? I do not want it and monster C does not seem to like it.”

Ms. P: “Buy mascara, eye-liner, do some make-up.”

Ms. A: (On face): “Ok”

               (In mind): “Oh sure, will it scare away the monster C, then why not?”

Ms. P: “Go to Walmart, Toys r us, Bed bath and Beyond.”

Ms. A: (On face): “Yes, Yes, sure.”

               (In mind): “Someone please tell her, shopping is not a form of treatment.”

Scene 2, Take 2:

(Ms. A and Master Y on video chat)

Master Y: (excitedly) “Moushi, moushi, moushi, moushi!”

Ms. A: (Drops the sad face) “Yes Y, How are you? I am fine. I love you.”

Master Y: “ I am phine, I lo you, Bye”

When such funny conversations brighten me up, I am convinced that the SPY team is doing their job well. Wait for more heroes and their heroic acts in the next part.

P.S: SPY team, you must plan a visit soon. Not because I miss you, but our kitchen does ;) Ms. P and Mr. S can cook, while Master Y can play with the utensils!

Meet my heroes

    

     This next blog topic will be a series of posts featuring my heroes. I am sure you must be wondering what all will go into the list? Am I talking about heroes on screen who entertain us with their performances or some real-life angels who inspire us with their deeds? The answer to both these questions is in the negative. My heroes are members of my support system.

      People who are standing by me like solid rocks, while I am punching the lymphoma monster one cycle after the other. These strong pillars have refused to accept any defeat and ooze out positive essence like flowing river. All they know is one can never give up. Hence their urge towards normalcy makes this entire episode as just another phase of life. So much is the inclination towards usual life that their arguments, fights and shouting have not changed too. While I thought this ‘damsel in distress’ status will give me some hidden advantages, I was absolutely wrong. Each of my heroes have refused to treat me any differently, forcing me to be back on track as soon as possible.

   One single post will not do justice to all those who have been a part of this journey. Hence I shall feature one hero every passing week. Again the aim is not to garner sympathy or demand special attention from my readers. The purpose is to thank and celebrate their presence in my life. You do not know what you have till life throws some unexpected situations your way. I am sure none of these closed ones would expect such appreciation in the open, but then again it is my unique way to reach out to their love and care all this while. And while you are sending your wishes my way, kindly sprinkle some love on these heroes too. They are absolutely special in every way.

 In no particular order, this series will talk about my people. I shall refrain from using their real names, yet their relationship will speak for itself. My initial plan was to enlist them in this post, but I feel we all can use a little surprise. Stay tuned with me as I reveal one hero after the other.

   If you are expecting a boring thank you speech or long description of every person, let me correct you before it starts. My idea is to use some humor and spice it up as we move post to post.

  While I would have loved to start this series with my super-hero parents who gave me this gift of life, it will be too difficult to do so at this point of time. After a supportive stay of three months as they shall be traveling back to their pavilion in a few days, it will be easier to talk about them after they leave. So, let me start with my local superhero hubby Mr. N.

    There is no doubt in the fact that it is extremely difficult to appreciate your spouse openly. So before I start my words, I should congratulate myself for such a big heart! On a serious note, we often take our people for granted hence taking my hubby for granted was nothing unusual. It is only after my doctor appreciated his care when I realized that he deserves few good words.

  Call him Mr. Foodie-partner-in-crime, Mr. Know it all, Mr. 30 running on 90, Mr. Doctor in disguise or Mr. Alice in wonderland, this super-hero is my pillar of support. A strong headed person who believes everything happens for a reason, he seems to know everything. While struggling with the news or working towards the solution, all his energy was focused towards the theme ‘normalcy’. So much so that our usual husband wife nagging did not stop even for a single day. His desire to take our life just as before ensures that nothing can come in the way.

   Though our arguments are just like before, I do have an added advantage to swiftly play the ‘C’ card as and when needed. Depending on the situation, as his reactions turn from sympathy to pity or irritation to consideration, the outcome is totally worth it.

  

   If there is one thing about him that has truly helped me all this while is his ‘love’ for food. With his love for recipes, ingredients, perfection, taste and varieties, I was excited for the ‘dinner’ part of course. Though it would have helped if he actually prepared these dishes for me, his suggestions and ideas did the trick. And the habit of taking ‘Master Chef’ credit at the end kept things the way they were. Never did I get the benefit of false praises though I would have loved to. As he refuses to display any amount of sympathy or pity, I am grateful to be just the same. Though I must admit, I am still recovering from the shock that my 'Pav Bhaji' was the best he has had so far. 

  

    From his efforts to growing plants in our pots to growing hair on my scalp, my scientist is working on everything, thanks to the freely available knowledge on the internet. Whether it gives any results is a ‘wait and watch’ job, (when I last checked, we are expecting honey dew melons, coriander, saffron and cherries all in the same pot) but his ideas and thoughts are truly entertaining. Forcing one spoonful of Chawanprash right in the middle of a video session with my little nephew is his style of turning into a ‘useful’ husband.

      Preference to choose restaurants, cuisines, hang out options and movies are some of the hidden advantages at present as I get to command like a queen. After all there is a reason why the thought ‘Make hay while the sun shines’ was born.

     Another hilarious experience worth sharing is the rendezvous between my doctor and hubby-the great. Ignoring me, while Mr. N manages to grab the spotlight upon himself, their talks about travel, food, medicine or anything under the sun always dominate our sessions. As I sit quietly without any attention as desired, I cannot help but thank my stars for a funny husband like mine. Normalizing every situation and being positive is his way of dealing with the stress, while he waits for an opportunity to laugh at me or laugh with me. Either way it works for me to be next to a hero. You know you have to be normal and back in pink of health to express anger when husband says “How does this t-shirt look on me?” or “Do these shoes suit me?” right while I am dealing with post chemo trouble. Leaving my irritation aside, I wonder why does his fashion status demand so much attention all of a sudden. 

    This weird, funny, unusual yet usually expected behavior is what I want from Mr. N as we walk along the path.

  Stay tuned for the next heroes as the list is long.

P.S: If you want to be featured as a hero too, positions are open! Give me some Maggie noodles, carbonated beverages and coffee (as these are banned under Mr. N's jurisdiction) and I am all yours ;) I surely know how to make hay while the sun shines.

  

The ‘alive’ moments of life

      

    If you will go with the literal sense of this blog title, you may wonder if it has any meaning at all. Life is nothing but being alive and hence every moment of it is about ‘living’. Then how can I designate some moments under the ‘alive’ category. If each and every moment of our life journey is to be lived, is it possible to say we were ‘alive’ only during some of them? While few may argue that being alive is breathing air to sustain our birth on earth, I will definitely beg to differ.

      There is more to our life than taking in and throwing out air. As weird as it sounds, isn’t it the most accepted and assumed definition of ‘being alive’? Hence this blog post is designed to look at those special moments which go beyond the traditional mannerism of life. Moments which inspire us, moments that add happiness, moments that are out of the world, moments that make you realize that life is indeed beautiful. Away from the usual troubles, struggles, stress and worries, some special moments reinstate our belief in eternal happiness. If I am successful in putting forth my point so far, you will realize that I am talking about those ‘Aha’ moments.

   Each one of us encounter such phenomenal and unique experiences to fill our life with happiness and love. Whether it is traveling or listening to your favorite song, admiring the beauty of nature or simply dreaming with open eyes, life presents several such opportunities where you are thankful to be alive. You realize that life is indeed wonderful with its unbelievable stock of surprises. Such moments bring you closer to the joy of living. It is impossible to expect such moments along the routine trail of life. Or rather these moments are meant to be different; hence they should be unique in their own way. Specialty of such ‘alive’ moments lies in their uniqueness which do not enter into our lives easily. Only certain happy times inspire us to appreciate this birth.

     It is essential to recognize these alive moments to make the most of life. It can motivate us to look around for happiness rather than focusing over our mountain of troubles. It is rightly said that life as a whole is the greatest teacher one can ever have. Our journey teaches us several valuable lessons through the mode of experiences. Hence one such experience along my life journey has inspired me to create such moments along the way. Once cannot plan them in advance or gather fixed number in their stock to fill accomplished. The trick is to experience many such moments along the way and feel ‘alive’. Another significant aspect about these moments is ‘customization’. What appeals to you or qualifies as your happening time may not be the same for someone else. Hence hunt for your unique bag of happy moments and rejoice as you see the number increase.

    Think about your ‘Aha’ moments and pen them down. You may choose to keep it as your secret list or share it in the comment section. But either ways, I would love to know at least one of your alive moments. Now, time for my list that can inspire you to follow suit.

  Some of these moments may resonate with you and give you equal amount of happiness. While few others may not relate to you in any way. But as said, the trick lies in its uniqueness and customization.

   Here are my special moments when I am truly ‘alive’. Hunt for yours after all life is about being ‘alive’, isn’t it?

I am ‘alive’ when:

1.       ……my little nephew recognizes me during our video chat sessions and calls me ‘moushi’ (his word for maternal aunt)

2.        …. I savor first bite of food cooked by mom

3.       …. I listen to favorite parts of my favorite songs

4.       ….my written words make me satisfied and contended

5.       …. I admire waves of the beach

6.       …. The clouds, rainbow, sun and sky seem to smile at me

7.       ….calm look of water manages to calm me

8.       ….  a comedy show or movie delivers a perfect joke

9.       ….lyrics of a song seem to relate with my situation perfectly

10.   ….my prepared meals turn out exactly as I wish them to be

11.   …..I take first bite on a hungry stomach

12.   …. I read parts of a book that feel amazing

13.   ….I come across an inspirational quote that leaves me mesmerized

14.   ….a singer creates wonders with his/her notes

15.   ….. my husband cracks a joke that strikes a perfect chord (which is rare!)

16.   …..my elder sister starts the video call (excitement is to see my nephew. Dear sister, it’s not for you, just to clarify :)

17.   ….I see byline of my articles

18.   …..I find shade under scorching sun

19.   … I experience warmth of home after being out for long

Go ahead and enlist your moments. Let’s be alive now, you can always 'live’ later.  

Responsibility or opportunity? What is your take?

  

There is no doubt in the obvious fact that we look around for answers only when presented with questions.  During one such questionnaire with my mind, I was successful in stumbling upon my next blog title. Let me get straight to the question before I release my chain of thoughts. When I say responsibility or opportunity, my reference is towards the journey called ‘LIFE’.

Do you look at life as a ‘responsibility’ or an ‘opportunity’?

Should we follow our life as per instructions from an undocumented journal or should we customize it and enjoy the chance to ‘live’?

Is it your duty to live or is it an opportunity to explore?

Are you burdened under the task to live successfully or do you look forward to every moment it offers?

Let me stop my string of questions before you blame me for asking too much! 

   Having said this, I would appreciate if you could invest some thoughts on my questions and come up with your take over it. Till then, let me add my two cents over the subject as that is what bloggers do. Write, talk, write and talk again!

    My opinion tends to incline towards ‘opportunity’ as life is all about chances, efforts, dreams, hopes and happiness. Though each one of us have numerous responsibilities along the entire course of this birth, it does not mean we look at life as a ‘huge’ responsibility. It is just one part of our living, yet we are not burdened under some strict course. If we look at life as responsibility, we may lose the entire essence of enjoying it. Responsibility may bring limitations and restrictions. But opportunity stands for limitless possibilities. There is nothing in this world that can stop you from achieving your dreams, if you consider life as one big opportunity. It is within your hands to make, break, decorate or destroy. After all, life is one big ocean with expandable horizon.

 In order to enjoy life, it is essential to embrace freedom and work on customization. It is important to find out what appeals to our mind and walk along its course. Following a journal of pre-determined rules is not living. At the same time, forgetting our humanity is not living too. We have to take care of our worldly responsibilities at every stage of life, yet it is inappropriate to blame it for staying away from fun. It is possible to ascend the ladder of life, while enjoying every step in a personalized way.

   You must be wondering about the need to ponder about such a question. While fulfilling our responsibility to ‘live’, we tend to forget about the fun behind it. Routine course of our journey rarely gives us a chance to introspect and think. That is when blog posts like these force you to think. Rather than moving along with the herd, take time to figure out your course. Find out what opportunities await you. Grab the chance to live life your way, before it pulls you into its own way. We do not have control over situations and circumstances, yet we definitely have a control on our reactions to it.

   Moving over to the last phase of this blog, let me give you a feel of what life feels like as a ‘responsibility’ and as an ‘opportunity’. This may assist you, while you hunt for your answers.

Responsibility:

-          Monotonous

-          Safe

-          Pre-determined

-          Tried and tested formula

-          Boring

-          Tiresome

-          Overwhelming

Opportunity:

-          Challenging

-          Unique

-          Fun

-          Exciting

-          Experimental

-          Risky

-          Joyful

-          Satisfactory

  I am sure many of you may argue that it is not possible to categorize life into fixed teams. Yet, it is possible to give more weight-age to one over the other. Such demarcation can influence your journey, reminding you to live and not just survive. Responsibility is more about surviving as a human, while opportunity is about enjoying the pleasure of ‘being human’.

Make the most of this life as it is nothing less than a gift to treasure forever.

P.S: Your answers are awaited. It can be just a word if not an explanation, but it will really help to know what others think! 

The take- away message

     

     It is rightly said that your loved ones form the best critics, hence my husband’s critical remarks over my blog posts do not come as a surprise. A person who insisted that I should be positive in this battle, he forced me to look beyond the sad experiences. Instead of sharing the traumatic part of this story, his suggestion was to use the opportunity and share something valuable for the world to follow. “Write about what you learned from the experience rather than what the experience felt like” were his exact words that gave way to this blog title. While trying to make sense of the entire diagnosis and treatment so far, I am excited to share my take-away message with you all. Even if it inspires a single reader or motivates someone to draw sense out of their own story, it will be worth it.

    You learn to appreciate the positive aspects of any experience only when uncertainty blinds you. This is exactly what life chose to teach me as I value every single moment with open arms today. Life does not happen when we make plans about the future and craft dreams in our minds, it happens when situations and circumstances decide to play their game in the present. That is when you learn to live to the fullest as every single moment matters. I cannot endorse living in the present for others, but I can definitely share my life changing experience that deals with one day at a time.

      As my frame of reference shifts from one day to the next, I have realized true essence of the present. No wonder I feel that the saying ‘add life to your years and not years to your life’ must have been made especially for me as there is no better expression to convey my thought. I am sure I would not have thought about this if life continued on the same track as before. Just when you start taking things for granted, this beautiful gift called life chooses to shake you with an aim to appreciate its value every single day.

   It is often believed that a life-threatening condition puts a pause button to the course of journey. But, I can definitely stand strong against every single word of this popular belief as I feel it activates the ‘ON’ button. As you realize the value of every single day, it is difficult to ignore its presence or deny its significance. I have lived more after the start of this ‘C’ episode than what I would have otherwise. It is all about pumping more life into everything.

  With this, let me share my take-away message from the experience so far. I cannot claim that my lymphoma has turned me into a philosopher, but I can definitely declare that it has given me some strength to inspire someone somewhere, one way or the other.

1.       Happiness is in the present. It is here with you right now. Happiness is not something that you should postpone for tomorrow or wait for the right opportunity. It is with you to experience it along the way.

(Happiness is reading my blog right now! Why should I lose the opportunity to promote my work and take credit? …. after all make hay while the sun shines!)

2.       Fear is nothing but product of your baseless thought process. You give birth to it without any meaning or purpose. It is created as a result of living in your thoughts or imagining about the future. If you occupy yourself with the task in hand, you will realize there is no room for this fear or worry.

3.       Do not take anything for granted. Be it relationship, work, experience, adventure, asset or your surroundings. Take a moment to appreciate what you have and express your love from time to time.

4.       Make memories, gather experiences, travel, create stories, capture moments and take photographs. Do not live like a machine or limit yourself within typical specifications of a so-called ‘ideal’ or ‘perfect’ life.

5.       Learn something new or engage yourself in some fun activities. Take risks. Do something you have never done before. There is no harm in failing or embarrassment in trying something new.

6.       Accept everything that comes your way. There is a reason why it happens. Do not waste your time in trying to figure out ‘why’ it happened. You may never reach a satisfactory answer. Instead spend time in learning from what happened. It will definitely stay with you forever.

7.        Spend some quality time with yourself. As much as you like to be with your family and friends, it is equally important to talk to yourself. Engage in some positive activities and listen to your thoughts.

8.       Learn to forgive and forget. You may disagree with your loved ones or get angry with their conduct, but their love is definitely larger than these little misunderstandings which shall melt away with time.

I agree it is easy to preach but difficult to follow. Yet, listing out this take-away message is my first step towards following it. Do share your views or add your thoughts to this list. Together we can inspire one another to spread happiness all around. 

Sorry, Thank you and everything in between

     

  

     I have heard humor is an essential part of the ‘C’ treatment to be able to laugh at all the uncertainties that follow. And I can definitely vouch for the fact that it is true. No wonder the term ‘chemo brain’ really means something as we experience roller coaster of feelings all at once. At one moment you can see me complaining that no one talks to me only to instantly avoid the next call that I receive. All my friends and relatives can relate to this craziness as all of a sudden I turn from a philosopher to a child to a teacher to a simpleton and finally to the crazy human that I always was.

  

     I do not want to encourage or promote the craziness of this so-called ‘chemo’ brain, yet I believe it turns out to be beyond my reach. If I could convince it to focus on the problem alone rather than spread its influence all around, I would definitely be a ‘super-hero’. So, with this thought in mind, I realized what better way to convey my gratitude and apologizes to each one of you than write a long blog post. Hence, the title…. “I am sorry”, “I am thankful” and “I am….” Well, read on to find more….

    This kind of experience suddenly puts one into a hot-spot as there is undivided attention from all quarters. I am guilty of using it as a shield on more occasions than one as I end up blaming it for everything that goes wrong. The pressure to be cordial and society friendly has diminished to invisible proportions as I take this situation as the bait. While I rejoice under the banner that I cannot be blamed for anything, my parents and husband ensure that I come back to the original form. The insistence to be normal is so strong that my father has challenged me to be absolutely sane even during the treatment days. Well, the challenge is accepted but the outcome is yet to be determined.

     The need to apologize stems from the fact that my family (both near and long distance), friends and well-wishers must be thoroughly confused with my approach. Suddenly, I talk so much as if nothing has changed and suddenly I stay quiet for hours on end. But even this silence has a silver lining. How else would my husband and parents master themselves in the game of dumb-charades, while I explain them the contents on the grocery list or just talk about what we did last weekend?

   There is no doubt in the fact that I am an introvert and being an amateur writer I can easily relate to it. But who knew my monster friend would take me to a higher level on the introvert scale (if there was such a thing to measure it!) The reason for such kind of analysis is to explain the silence of my chemo brain. Besides turning me into an introvert, this chemo brain has definitely increased my affection towards the written word. 

  

   My close friends will completely agree to my inclination towards written chats over voice calls. From congratulating my best friend for finding his life partner to discussing troubles about weather, from asking about latest movies to seeking much needed motivation to stay positive, everything happens over the letters on the keypad. Big thanks to my little nephew for his stock of indecipherable childish speeches and poems on video chats and his parents to bear his loud noise, while we do so late at night!

      For these reasons, it was essential to reach out to my people and thank them for everything. I am sure even my doctor will be convinced about my funny behavior when I am more interested in this travel stories than about my health updates. And when I have a partner-in-crime to join me for the adventure, there is no reason to stay quiet. My husband turned philosopher provides balance to this craziness with a desire to keep his wife sane!

     With this, I hope my apology and gratitude are in order to appreciate each one of you in this journey. There is nothing pleasant about this route but there is nothing to cry about. Thank you for being there and sorry for acting unusual though it may seem absolutely normal! I cannot comment on the future path but I can definitely talk about where I stand today, hence do not forget to bear with me as I walk over this path full of surprises.

Thank you for your prayers and positivity….

Thank you for accepting my flaws as part of the chemo parcel…

Thank you for switching the mood from serious talks to funny conversations just the way I need it….

Thank you for your love and smiles…

Is this my ‘wake-up' call?

   

      I cannot claim to be a superwoman and state that the diagnosis did not shake me or I cannot declare that everything was sailing smoothly in a magical way. I had my share of “Why me?” questions or “God is annoyed with me” statements while struggling to make peace with the news. But, I always believe that looking back at the journey does not change the experience in any way so this blog post is not about moving behind but focusing ahead. Rather, it is about focusing on the present moment because that is all I can claim to be mine.

     So with this, as I started a new journey under a different light, I was sure to make the most of it in a positive way. Dark moments are just as natural as light moments. I cannot eliminate them completely from my path, but I can certainly control my actions and reactions over them.

    This brings us to the title. We often take life for granted because it is bestowed upon us as a free gift. Slowly and steadily, as we struggle over its path with a hope to find our destination, we experience the true meaning of life. With this experience I have realized that life is meant to be enjoyed and experienced, one moment at a time.

      We plan too much into the future without having the slightest idea of what lies ahead or we live in the past wondering about what went wrong or cursing our fate in every possible way. I am not sure if I can include you all in the above accusation, but I am definitely guilty to the core. Jumping into the future or sticking to the past was my way of dealing with the current situation in the present, spreading unnecessary fears and worries along my way.

      It is only after life gives you a major reason when you choose to think, contemplate, analyze and draw sense out of something that was never thought about. Hence, instead of looking at it as a diseased condition or life-threatening situation, I choose to look at it as my very own personalized ‘wake-up’ alarm. A wake-up call that has woken my up to live life the way it is meant to be. I am certainly sure it has forced me to value every single moment of my life journey.  It does not mean that I have mastered the art of living, but it definitely means there is positive transformation one way or the other.

The ‘C’ card:

      Few months into the treatment pushed me towards playing the ‘C’ card as my perfect sympathetic move. From demanding outside food whenever and wherever to being lazy at home about any task, from justifying my mismanagement to being selfish about everything, I was comfortably satisfied in the ‘C’ zone. Just when I felt it was absolutely ‘right’ to do so, my four primary care-givers pulled me out at the right time – two who gave me birth, one who ‘acts’ as if she gave me birth and one who has promised to celebrate that birth year after year.

  The ‘amazing’ parents: I do not know how they do it but according to them, every situation is manageable. They refused to look at me with pity or let me cry in vain. In my father’s words “Agreed you have 6 bad days in a month, but what about the remaining 24 normal ones?” or in my mother’s words “Who said you are any different now?” Such words soak away any traces of sympathy and leave me astonished at their positivity and strength.

The ‘dashing’ sister: A girl who started ‘mothering’ me (if that is a word!) when she was only ‘3’, her words “You are strong, you have become more strong” makes me wonder where did she find this strength in me?

The ‘know-it-all’ husband: Two statements from my husband have proved that my condition has truly made him a ‘philosopher’! For me it was a wake-up call, but for him it was nothing less than a ‘career changing’ opportunity as I joke around about his capability to be a ‘doctor’ or a ‘philosopher’, just in case he is bored of being an ‘engineer’.

At numerous occasions when he wipes my tears rather agitated and irritated, his quote “If you do not fight for what you want, do not cry for what you lose” or “Consider your health condition as a ‘bowl’, whether you beg around with it or whether you choose to add some ingredients into it and feed yourself, the choice is yours.”

   Besides this, my numerous relatives and friends have prompted me to look at the positive side. Each one of them have refused to treat me any different, making me believe that nothing has changed. I am sorry I will not be able to write about each one of you individually or else the exceptional long length of my post will drive you away.

So, thank you dear ‘wake-up’ call, I am finally awake now. 

  

    

The ‘therapy’ express

   

    After I promised to follow up the lymphoma post with some of my experiences, I felt it was the right time to do so. But a short cautionary warning before I start. This post is not to make you cry, emotional, sensitive or alienated. Besides, since I have decided to look at the brighter side of everything, rest assured there are no sad or gloomy details- only happy, funny, silly and fun-filled encounters. After all, this entire episode is nothing less than a soap opera of experiences.

     There are mix of happy and sad days, where you can see the actress and villain in me. If you don’t believe- simply ask my husband and parents at home or sister, in-laws and friends from a long distance who know exactly what to expect. One look at the calendar and my engineer turned half-doctor husband can tell you precisely what’s going on! While I would love to defeat him at this guessing game, unfortunately he emerges victorious, every single time.

    Firstly, never in my life have I heard the words ‘strong’ and ‘will-power’ so many times before, as today my collection is filled with these expressions. Secondly, to break the invisible ice between us, I would love to communicate with each one of you, just the way I did before. Nothing has changed that could lead to awkwardness or confusion between us. I am still the same and so is my condition to communicate. As I have decided to live in the present, the uncertainty of my health cannot change the picture at all. Speak to me the way you were doing before. No amount of ‘C’ or ‘L’ can take this silly self-proclaimed ‘writer’ from you ;)

   Thirdly, I would also like to apologize if I am not the same cheerful self every single day. As much as I would enjoy communication from your end, I understand I should also be vocal at the same time. But, sometimes silence pushes me into a silence zone that is incorrect in every way. So, grab the opportunity to poke me and do not hesitate to start the ringer mode on my phone!

   Unknowingly, I end up crossing the thin line between sympathy and reality. Instead of working hard or walking towards my goals, I sometimes cover myself under the shield of sympathy which is totally incorrect. Thanks to my chemo brain, I have enrolled myself into an imaginary ‘C’ club that searches for reasons to be pitied and claims that no one gets me. If it wasn’t for shouting and kicks from my parents, I would enjoy this sympathy for a long time and avoid being ‘normal’.

   Since you all are in this journey with me, I would love to share that my doctor appreciated my form of expression using ‘words’. After reading my first post, he encouraged me to channel my energy in this way, as it would benefit him with a happy patient too. So, you all will have to bear with my posts!

    While summing up, I would like to share the happy and funny experiences of my journey so far.

1.       I am sure our internet service provider is the happiest right now, as I have been streaming movies, television series, Netflix and You-tube in a loop. Having said that, I will love to have some suggestions from your end too because I was literally tempted to watch ‘Prem Ratan Dhan Payo’ at one point of time! I hope now you realize the seriousness to help me with some valuable suggestions.

2.       I am happy to make use of every present moment with a happy heart. I did not know sitting on lawn, going for long drives or taking a shower were such happy affairs before. I never appreciated the sight of trees, sunset, sunrise or long empty roads the way I do it today.

3.       Sorry dear husband, but I must confess my extra marital love affair with food! On my happy days, all I can do is dream, think, talk, read, make or eat. Relishing and savoring every bite is so fun-filled. I am sure my closed ones will be raising their eyebrows with shock as I was never a foodie before.

4.       While I always loved comedy movies, serials and books, this phase has brought me closer to it. Comedy can fill my cells with laughter, offering one less trouble to worry about.

5.       Husband turned doctor- this is another interesting development in my life as my better half is busy with internet gained facts to make me healthy and hearty with valuable knowledge from all over the world. I am sure his parents will be glad to know that their fees of an engineer made him a doctor too! Besides, it provides entertainment to my real doctor as he patiently listens to his ideas of alternative therapy.

These are some experiences that are funny, mindless and silly to make this rocky journey a bit smooth. There are many more to add in the future as I savor every moment with a happy heart. Till then, do not forget to live in the present, smile a little more, laugh at your troubles and enjoy whatever you have today. If nothing else, at least this trouble can make me a preacher J

   P.S: For a self-confessed introvert, written words are the only way to thank you all.

  Big hug, love and kisses to:

1.       Parents: For being there to wipe my tears and treating me as normal as possible.

2.       Sister, nephew, and brother-in-law: For being strong support though miles away from me. But bro-in-law chef: where is my delicious food? And dear nephew: you better practice the word ‘moushi’ 20 times a day. Sister: I am not thanking you for anything ;)

3.       Husband: For each and everything from Day 1, I simply can’t write it!

4.       Relatives and friends: For all your support, well-wishes and prayers.

     

Do you have your remote control?

 "Yes, of course, how else will we change the channels on television?” I am sure this will be your first reflex response over such an unusual question. But, trust my blog posts to be different as I am hinting at something else. It is not your television remote that listens to your commands and flips channels as per your desire (only if you are lucky enough to be the TV in-charge at home!) This remote control in question handles your emotions, feelings, responses and experiences. It takes charge of how you feel and respond over opinions. It determines your response to criticism.

  Human nature is known for its inclination towards opinions. Each one of us have some say over everything that goes around us. There is no harm in expressing our thoughts over things, but it is harmful to react in an inappropriate way. Just because your well-wishers refuse to appreciate your talent or your social circle criticizes your work with difficult words, it does not mean you drown in it forever and refuse to take control. The remote control to react to their opinions lies in our hands. Instead of drawing offense and mistrusting ourselves over bad fate, it is essential to act over it. You may disagree with their opinions, but there is no need to hold it close to yourself, while spoiling your next attempt.

   How people feel about you is not under your control. Whether they praise you with false words to misguide or taunt with hurtful words to demotivate, none of it will matter if you know how to react. It is their opinion that has nothing to do with you. It does not mean I am talking about building a wall around your ears. It is always essential to listen to people and their advice. But, how you choose to inculcate it in your life is totally your call. 

     Often, we are soaked in sorrow when people lace their words with anger, negativity, judgments or misunderstandings. At such times, it is important to realize that we are the receiver of their words. How we deal with their judgments is completely our decision as far as we know its impact. If we can analyze their motive, it is possible to transform their opinions into valuable pieces for our own good. Instead of crying over their mistreatment, we can use their judgement as improvement pointers for our benefit.

  Just as we use a remote control to mute, change, switch off or switch on as per our desire, we can tune our responses in the same way. We should be able to chalk our inner circle of influence. Switch on when our closed ones offer their valuable advice and switch off when people trouble us with their unhealthy motives. Not every piece of information directed towards us is going to benefit. Hence, we should know when to use them for our good.

  We often invest more energy in defending our choices, justifying our beliefs or proving our worth. But we fail to realize that as long as we do things for our own happiness, there is no need to please every life form on earth. No matter how good you work or what great acts you do, someone somewhere will always have a better way of doing it. This does not turn you into a failure or the other option into success, it simply means each one is entitled to their own opinion. Being in a defense mode unknowingly turns into a habit that refuses to leave our side. It diverts our efforts from productive work. If all your life you will defend, judge, analyze and respond to criticism, when are you going to act?

    This post was inspired by two sources. One is by the way people reacted over Snapchat CEO’s opinion based on nothing but his own two cents about our country. The credit of the second source goes to my husband for showing me an inspirational video over the said topic. It closely relates to me in various ways as I was always influenced by opinions. Without weighing their significance in my life, I would jump at the first opportunity to defend and prove my choices, only to realize that things may not be designed as per my way. But, the remote control to our reactions is definitely sitting on our couch, waiting to be surfed over and over again.

So, next time you are irritated, angry, hurt or disappointed, recognize the source of your negativity and change the channel immediately.

This remote works over several channels such as:

-          criticism

-          incorrect judgments

-          misunderstandings

-          accusations

-          incorrect allegations

-          false judgments

-          revenges

-          hurtful taunts

Make sure you use this remote control well to bring positivity and happiness into your lives. Do not lose this important control after all it features the channels of your dear life!