… because the new normal is more like the same old

Dealing with any form of uncertainty is hard. And as if we did not believe in the dictionary meaning of the word ‘uncertainty’, we have the new pandemic situation for clarity in its truest sense. The uncertainty linked to the global scale of this situation only makes it difficult to understand. What and how to deal with it with every passing day is something well beyond our limited understanding at the moment. But, making you think about this pandemic all over again is the last thing on my mind right now. We have enough worries to keep ourselves occupied and restless, hence let’s not get into the pandemic mode all over again.

Much before we all started talking about the new normal due to the pandemic, a chosen few of us were well acquainted with the idea. The idea that uncertainty is the new normal. The idea that life does not go as per plan. The idea that there is so much to life right now than thinking about what will it be a few years down the line. This uncertainty is such an integral part that maybe I cannot and will not like to part away from it. There is fun and frown at the thought of it. There is sorrow and smiles while we go about our lives as survivors. Battling the big C got us one step closer to the idea of mortality. It is unusually disturbing but at the same time, it makes us realize that life should not be taken for granted. We may not have those golden years we dream of because things are shinning and glittering right here, right now.

When I battled the big C, I was so excited to live in the moment. Though one expects pain and tears and that was a part of my process too, it did not feel difficult because all I had to do was focus on this one day. The idea that this one day is the most important got me through the process like an easy challenge. I will not exaggerate when I say this but the process of diagnosis and treatment did not seem difficult like the way it was meant to be. Living one day at a time erased every single ounce of pain, and trust me when I say this, it was flowing as streams at that moment.

The problem was not battling C, the problem is dealing with the new normal. After three years into the survival mode, there is a constant argument in the head up there. Should I continue to take it one day at a time or should I jump into the excitement of endless possibilities ahead? Am I selfish if I continue to attend to my emotional wounds or am I hopelessly positive if I believe it was a one-time thing to be erased easily? Living one day a time is not easy when you cross the line between the ‘battling’ and ‘surviving’ phase. We are nowhere close to the danger hence there is no need for limiting our dreams, hopes, and wishes. But at the same time, we are not certain because uncertainty is the new normal. This constant fight in the mind is a real thing. Though it is easy to wipe away those thoughts because positivity is the need of the hour, it is not easy to ignore its presence. Somewhere, somehow the mind does go to this dark place where everything is questioned all over again. It involves frustration when someone talks about the future as if it is easy, but at the same time it involves anger when someone ignores as if it never happened.

There is no harm in living as a survivor. The problem arises when I use or refuse it to my advantage. When it comes to expectations and plans of life, I like to hide behind the shield that I don’t know the future. I demand exclusion from life expectations due to my ‘condition’. On the other hand, when it comes to enjoyment and fun, I stand right in the front demanding that I deserve them. I refuse to accept my situation when someone points it to me or justifies my slow pace in the so-called expected phases of life.

Caught in the never-ending cycle of the new reality, I realized the answer is within me. I cannot complain when my loved ones ask me to ignore the past and look ahead because that is what we do as humans. We have the exceptional ability to be hopeful even when things do not seem to go as per plan. We know the chain of good and bad and hence refuse to leave hope till the very last bit. At the same time, I cannot blame my restless mind as it knows the reality too well. That this uncertainty is a part of me no matter what I think or feel gives me comfort to tackle life. And if you go to think about it, none of us are immune to uncertainties. It is our nature to zoom in into our problems as if they are bigger than us. I was happy to play the sympathy card, only to realize that it did nothing but self-harm. When I allow myself to dwell on self-pity, I open the door to misery. It is high time to realize that big C is not my escape plan to the realities of life. There is nothing that we cannot achieve if we allow our mind to think in that direction. And in the end, everything lies deep within.

Having said this, even if I have crossed the line to the other side, I am still a survivor. Happy to be one and delighted to see the world through this new lens. When I realize not everyone is fortunate in their battle, I understand I must value the membership to this club. The new normal is about balancing expectations and realities. A survivor who believes that every single day is just as important as the next one.

In the end, I have learned to accept that the new normal is beautiful indeed. I am enjoying the certain uncertainty because really what other choice do I have? And yes, I have the choice to be positive but somehow it does fall at certain vulnerable moments. I believe that I will pick myself up at those moments, and continue to smile because again, what other choice do I have?

Here is to living in the moment and taking it one day at a time. Though this experience has changed my life in many ways, I would not have it any other way. Complaints and tears are a part of it, but a much larger part is the joy of making the most of this process called ‘life’, while greeting it one day at a time.