Then and Now

 

This post was long over due in black and white. Because though it ran multiple times in my head where I could see the words clearly in front of my eyes, I didn’t muster the courage to let my fingers do the talk. While I am finally here typing in dark as my 15 month old toddler is fast asleep next to me, I feel now is the time to let it all out. It is pure co-incidence that the timing of this post coincides with the National Cancer Survivor’s Day celebrated on the first Sunday of June. I feel a mix bag of emotions as a survivor myself for I absolutely believe that there is such much more to it than just another day to celebrate the opportunity of second innings in life. A life that stood face-to-face with death. It is only after I write these words that I truly understand the magnitude of the struggle. While I am absolutely blessed to get this opportunity to be cancer-free six years after the struggle began, it is still unbelievable and unimaginable in every sense of the word. And I absolutely understand the significance of putting the past behind while marching ahead because that is where life is, it is impossible to forget the reality that has shaped me in so many ways and continues to do so every single day. I don’t know the right way to describe it but my battle with Hodgkin’s lymphoma seems like a blessing in disguise when I think clearly today. As it is rightly said, you realize the value of something only after it is gone, the same rang true for me in the situation when I was negotiating with the big C. It is only when I was supposed to battle and deal with the uncertainty of life did I realize the beauty in simplest of things. Things that may have easily slipped away had I always thought life is mine to do what I please. The big C has definitely taught me to measure my life in moments and not milestones, days and not years. It doesn’t matter what or how I achieve, what matters is the opportunity to spend every single day with purpose. It has also changed my perspective towards success and achievements. Because now my goals are spelled out not in terms of tangible assets but rather the precious moments like capturing a smile on my daughter’s face or teasing my husband about something absolutely silly.

The purpose of such reminders like the survivor’s day is not to remind me about the dark past but to celebrate the colorful present that has changed me in so many ways than I could ever imagine. While each one of has an uncertain life, the known uncertainty in us as survivors changes the game completely. It is almost as an unexpected extension of lease that was up and renewed at the last moment. Though the past of C does not really affect anything that I do today, it has changed the way I look at lot of things in ways that are difficult to explain. Chasing the typical milestone such as buying assets does not mean anything to someone who is busy chasing simple achievements like admiring the sunset or stopping to smell the roses. It does not mean I can justify any lack of efforts from my end under the label of being a cancer survivor, but it does mean that the typical belief of what things mean to me and someone else may not match. A part of me sometimes looks around hoping to earn this recognition that I did survive from those closet to me, but then I also realize it was a dark past that my loved ones want me to forget. So while they continue to sweep the reality under the rug, I find channels like these comforting to let it out.

A small pat on my back from me, a small hug to the survivor in me, a small thumbs-up to the fighter in me. A reminder that things happened in exactly the way they were supposed to and will continue to do so. The past or the future is pointless for what we have in hand is the real present. The power of living in the moment is something that should drive my journey ahead because this here now is what matters. Living in the moment one day at a time can take me ahead and help me navigate the rough waters of uncertainty.